[SOT: The beast’s hide is to thick to be pierced from the outside. I must cut through it from the inside. Huh? Hahahah. No! No!]

Hey, welcome to the Weekly Reel – Big Summer Box Office Edition, Part 1. The place we tell you about the movies you’ll hopefully pay to see but you’ll probably stream for free.

Summer 2017 is going to be scorching hot, so find an air-conditioned theater and trade your beach bod for a tub of popcorn and a bunch of bad one-liners.

[SOT: I am Groot? I’m Groot! No! That’s exactly what you just said! How’s that even possible? Which button is the button you’re supposed to push? Point to it. No!

The nerd world’s favorite band of misfit superheroes is back in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2… Cue the classic soundtrack…

[SOT: There are two types of beings in the universe. Those who dance, and those who don’t]

And Bradley Cooper playing an angry little raccoon is probably going to kill it at the box office, too…

[SOT: More incoming! Good! I’m going to kill some guys!]

We get why audiences are impressed. Look at a grown up Chris Pratt playing make believe. That looks freaking ridiculous.

But thanks to Hollywood magic, it turns into this.

[SOT: f/x]

A couple hours later, you find yourself rooting on Starlord, cheering for a bunch of actors in make up fighting fictional monsters..

[SOT: f/x]

laughing at a CGI tree, and… O.M.G. is that Kurt Russell?

[SOT: I’m your Dad, Peter.]

Oh yeah, Daddy likes it! Especially if Daddy is a comic book fan.

[SOT: f/x]

Take our advice: Go see Guardians Vol. 2, where the bonus feature will be lots of lonely, lonely men with a big crush on a green alien.

[SOT: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I feel a general un-selfish love for just about everybody. No! Sexual love! No, no I don’t. For her! No! She just told everyone your deepest darkest secret. Dude, come on. I think your overreacting a little bit. You must be so embarrassed.]

[SOT: Welcome to Bay Watch. Our team is the elite of the elite. We’re the heart and soul of the very beach.

Come one Pete! Make my pecs a little bigger. And don’t cover up my front bump. You got it. Huge !@#$. Big !@#$.

Summer SUCKS without beaches, babes, and Zac Efron… So we thank our patriotic stars that Bay Watch is back, and will do some seriously heavy lifting when it comes to beachin’ entertainment.

[SOT: This has nothing to do with saving people. These are refrigerators. This is Bay Watch, !@#$%^!]

It’s like they packed the 4th of July into probably 80 or 90 minutes of boobs, bros, booze and blowing stuff up.

[SOT: Did you just look at my boobs? I… You should look at my face. I’m trying but it’s so close to your boobs. huh.]

‘Merica!

[SOT: How man gold medals do you have? Probably zero.]

Please, please, please, Bay Watch. Please rescue us from another @#$%^& re-boot. We are just a mouth breathing, dumb audience… Please lure us with The Rock.

[SOT: Come on, brother]

Make us clap and laugh like idiots with Comedy…

[SOT: Why are you grabbing me so tight?]

Action… Sex… All three in one!

[SOT: Check out, I’m undercover. A little too undercover.]