by Jeff Donlan

When Trump takes office, he’ll be getting a new Cadillac, and it’s fully loaded. Cadillac One has eight inches thick doors, with windows that can withstand armor-piercing bullets and is sealed to protect passengers from biological or chemical attacks. The car seats seven people and is equipped with weapons, two tear gas cannons and a night vision camera. The trunk houses oxygen tanks and bottles of the president’s blood type. A reinforced steel plate and Kevlar tires protect it from bombs and gun shots. If Trump ever wants to try out demolition derbies, he has a winning car for it.

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