An ice fiend in the UK nearly pulled off the perfect crime when he rummaged an allotment shed (that’s a tool shed for you Yanks) for gankable items. And he would have gotten away with it too, if he had just made a *clean* getaway.

Paul Mountain, a locally known tweaker, raided a garden shed in Lancashire. While burgling various tools and such, he started coming down and felt, quote, “An overwhelming need for sexual relief.” We guess the plush toy must have been the least unappealing looking item in the toolshed to stick his Corey in.

When the shed’s owner returned, she found its contents in disarray, among other things.

Police were able to identify Paul Mountain thanks to DNA he left in the bear. Mountain pled guilty to burglary and will go to jail, where he’ll get to meet some real bears, and they’re not all as submissive as his main squeeze back in the shed.

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