Writer Aisha Harris caused a mini-stir with an article she wrote in Slate last week saying Santa Claus should not be portrayed as a white man, but rather as a race-indiscriminate penguin that children of any ethnic origin could adore. In response to the tongue-in-cheek proposal, Megyn Kelly, a host at Fox News, quite seriously said Santa was indisputably white, has always been white, will always be white, and the same goes for Jesus.

Harris, who is African-American, brings up a legit point that there's no real reason why Santa should be white, but for the fact that when Coca-Cola designed him, they made him that way. And Kelly is just stupid because everybody knows Santa can come in any damned color you want because he's not real. She should also have known that Jesus was from what is now Israel and was about as white as the son of a Middle Eastern carpenter could be.

But what the media folks missed completely in the discussion about the totally fabricated Christmas character, apart from the salient fact that he doesn't actually exist, is that very real adults are the poor suckers laying down piles of cold, hard cash (or digital cash delivered via strips of plastic) every year to buy a lot of things people don't really need, in a unquestioned devotion to the consumerist spirit of Christmas.

Black, white, or both with flippers, we take the position that Santa's true color is green, or whatever color your country's largest-denomination note is. That's right kids, it's all about the fiber of that fabric and Santa the thug is holding your parents, and all the other people in your life that like you and have more cash that you, hostage.

Look at them slave away all year so they can con you into thinking that that giant pile of Chinese-made presents under the perfectly good tree someone knocked down from the forest came from some jolly fat man who magically broke into your house Christmas eve!

It's just not right. Santa's a scam and that's that.

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